You Matter To Me

By Sara Bareilles

Running from thing to thing, your feet ache, heavier with each step. Your voice begins to complain, but you don’t want the weight of your words to affect the next person, who undoubtedly is dealing with their own shit.

You are barely keeping your head above water. You think of texting that girl who you’ve lost touch with, but you’re kind of mad at her still. Some years old shit. You know whenever you meet in person it’s fine, but…you can’t help but think of every time she left you out and cancelled on you every time you tried to reschedule. Fuck her. You’ve grown, but still hold onto childish things like that.

You look around at the crowded subway and reluctantly take the available seat. You make the concession that you deserve it this time, your throbbing feet and all. The old man next you leans over. “Can I penalize you with a joke?” You look at him, at the subway around you, the closing doors. “Sure.”

“What do you call it when you eat too much  alphabet soup?”

“What?”

“A Vowel movement.”

“Good one,” you say, grateful that that’s the worst the subway has served to you today. You consider yourself adequacy penalized for being alive and you sit in silence for the next four stops.

You think of how hard you’ve worked to get here and how many people you’ve left behind. How many people have left you behind?

You get a text from your mom and smile.

Someone named Gavin Creel passed away today. He was very young and it was unexpected. He was a really amazing performer and person. The theater community has been sharing so many beautiful videos of his performances and this one from Waitress made me feel so much. One thing therapy taught me to be grateful for is my own capacity for musical appreciation, and I’m sure as shit grateful for that. It’s something that hasn’t changed my whole life, the feeling I get when listening to someone talented sing like this. I’m so proud to be a witness.